An unexpected curvature in the position of the stars making up Orion’s Belt may have some profound implications for you in the next few days. There is also reason to believe that Venus’s unusual brightness on some nights – in conjunction with the Aleve star cluster’s re-orientation in your lower cusp – could require a small re-evaluation of your horoscope for this month. This, of course, is totally unexpected and is due to the improvident behavior of the celestial sphere. You may ask why this sudden urge for spelunking? It is hard to explain, but if it comes over you, make careful preparation including spiritual and corporeal cleansing, both inside and out. Avoid all foods that may harbor toxins or that may involve unnatural preparation, especially if they have an orange color. Approach carrots with great care. And, if you are unable to get cave exploration out of your mind, descend with great care and be watchful for those that have made their home in the depths. These denizens of darkness may greet you with false cheeriness and , then, when you least expect it, sneak up from the rear and send you reeling. Despite all that, continue with any plans you may have for something new and wear galoshes if possible.
There will be a number of developments this month and a few things requiring careful attention. It is not enough to say that the Dog Star is showing off its brightness, even as it hides its companion. Nor is it a matter of the moon’s curious appearance. There have been solar perturbations to say nothing of gross negligence in both the Ensure and Enfamil galaxies, especially in the Sagittarius house. These may prove improvident. But, enough of these galactic high-jinks. You can only imagine how it will all turn out. That said, it might be an interesting idea to take everything out of your pockets at the end of each day, to take a careful, written inventory of what you find and to send that list to a government agency of your choice. Equally helpful, pin a small card to your shirt that says, “I know nothing.” This should eliminate the need to answer questions posed by irate officials or anyone in line with you at the grocery store. This may also be a month in which you might try new recipes or make a technological breakthrough that could garner you national attention. If so, you may find yourself interviewed by an excitable but completely uninformed television reporter or solicited by someone eager for you to contribute to an obscure cause or charity that plans to double the size of any contributions you make through prayer, by playing the slots or both. Beyond that, your only concern: the snow blower issue is not yet resolved. Your best color this month: aubergine.
An unanticipated occlusion in the Acquavella galaxy requires that a complete revision in January’s otherwise impeccable forecast. With Mars hiding behind the moon before bedtime and becoming overly bold after that, the good news continues to get better and better, despite Jupiter’s sticking its toe in the door and Dreft’s taking a dislike to Castrol. This could be a great time to make plans for an exciting adventure or a trip to a sandwich shop. Exotic locales may beckon and learning new dance steps could be a distinct possibility. Of course, all is not completely rosy and there may be a few obstacles to fulfilling your most outrageous fantasies. These could include dampness at an inopportune moment, the realization that you may have forgotten to put on underwear this morning or an irate, broom-wielding neighbor incensed at one of your more curious suggestions. That aside, you may find that there is plenty of fun left in contemplating how your nose works and what could be done to bring it back to normal efficiency. But, it could be important to ignore certain premonitions that you may harbor. These could involve the world coming to an end, someone in Billerica giving you serious thought or the feeling that a vengeful snow blower is stalking you. One way to get in the good graces of all concerned: save all of your used personal paper products in the hopes that you can reassemble them into a tree. Travel may be in your future; pack early and often.
Venus and the moon will be making footsy in the western sky as this new year begins. This is an auspicious sign, boding well for your health, happiness and success in the coming year. There is every indication that your time to shine has come; even those who continue to harbor doubts will be dazzled by your accomplishments and charmed by your style, appearance and warmth. Not everyone can do what you do. Of course, some may point out that this is a very good thing. And, it may be that they have good reason to think so. But, those naysayers aside, even your convoluted attempts to solve nasty and recalcitrant programming problems will be hailed as heroic. There may be many attempts by strangers to come very close to you, especially on the Green Line at rush hour. You could well find yourself with a renewed interest in sports or ballroom dancing. Your skills as a host might finally be recognized as nonpareil, if curious. Some minor mathematical toss-off of yours may impact all of Western civilization and gain you praise and fame from every quarter. With that in mind, it may be time to reconsider your career options and find a nice, warm place for a while, one that is out of the way and dark. You may also find yourself surrounded by odd people singing “Ding Dong” at the top of their lungs. If so, wave and smile; they have just heard good news.
A significant and totally unexpected deviation in the recent lunar eclipse has sent a shock wave through your horoscope, moving Leo to the left of Scorpio for an unpredictable period. At the same time, new stars in the Leominster, Leonia and Lyon galaxies have inexplicably developed a torpid proclivity, despite Mar’s sudden appearance and loud Geminid noises. This concatenation of adverse events may leave you in the lurch when it comes to recalling where your dark energy coagulator is stored and could lead to a failure to appreciate small towns in New Mexico. Just to be on the safe side, see if your snow blower starts up and make sure you have a shovel handy. And, much to your surprise you may find that the guests you have been expecting have already arrived and are looking for an unopened bottle of Kentucky Tavern or any other classy booze that you may have on hand. But, in all this, there is good news. A certain programming conundrum that has bedeviled you for weeks may be unexpectedly unscrambled for reasons that may make no sense whatsoever. If that happens, be sure to have your tires rotated or visit a physician to complain that your “check engine” light should be on. There is always a chance that they are building an overwhelming case against you. So, spend as much time as possible covering your tracks.
By the time this month is over, you are going to be happy that there will be an entire new year in which to fix things. If Neptune were situated to the left of your Sagittarius house, things wouldn’t be so inauspicious. But, it is not and the twin stars of Biz and Dreft are south of Bisodol, never a good configuration. And, unfortunately, it can only mean one thing: hopefully, the living room furniture has been satisfactorily rearranged. This should prevent ongoing cramps. But, that’s not the bad part. There is someone named “Fronkie” who, harboring fantasies of what might not have been, is interested in reviving what may be for you a long forgotten relationship. Even now, there are those who may be making plans for you involving lingerie, a workbench in grievous need of cleaning, a high-powered snow blower or odd pictures of barnyard fowl. Under such circumstances, what choice do you have? Smoked fish as a personal scent is one. Lobster rolls in Kittery is another. And, clearing up certain mysteries of the space-time continuum in your local area is yet another. Towards the middle of the month, you may be approached by a stranger looking for a jar of spaghetti sauce. Do not be fooled. This person only wants the oregano.
This month will undoubtedly be a doozy. There are various changes in the works for you and some may not seem beneficial. As you may realize, Jupiter has snuck into Aquarius, never a propitious circumstance. On the other hand, Dexadrine is to the left of Lotramin, and while the emanations this produces may seem of the roller-coaster variety, you should have no need to worry too much, although admittedly unforeseen calamities may be just around the corner. Unlike others, you should be able to shrug off with aplomb any that may occur, if you have plans in mind and are preparing to act on them. In any case, the real fun should not happen until the second or third week of the month. With that in mind, greet everything you are told with the biggest and most innocent smile that you can muster and be fully prepared to muzzle any tendency toward bursting forth with shrieks of derision and incredulity or rolling on the floor in hysterics when confronted with enthusiastically delivered persiflage. Rather, consider such to be a form of rarified entertainment. This may be an excellent time to visit distant friends, to show others that you can play the fiddle with the best of them while simultaneously producing some of the most amazing grins imaginable, or to ride on your favorite trolley line (but avoid getting off at Kenmore Square until next year). For extra protection, wear a Tilley hat while outside and favor bows.