January 2012 Horoscope Revision

An unanticipated occlusion in the Acquavella galaxy requires that a complete revision in January’s otherwise impeccable forecast.  With Mars hiding behind the moon before bedtime and becoming overly bold after that, the good news continues to get better and better, despite Jupiter’s sticking its toe in the door and Dreft’s taking a dislike to Castrol.  This could be a great time to make plans for an exciting adventure or a trip to a sandwich shop.  Exotic locales may beckon and learning new dance steps could be a distinct possibility.  Of course, all is not completely rosy and there may be a few obstacles to fulfilling your most outrageous fantasies.  These could include dampness at an inopportune moment, the realization that you may have forgotten to put on underwear this morning or an irate, broom-wielding neighbor incensed at one of your more curious suggestions.  That aside, you may find that there is plenty of fun left in contemplating how your nose works and what could be done to bring it back to normal efficiency.  But, it could be important to ignore certain premonitions that you may harbor. These could involve the world coming to an end, someone in Billerica giving you serious thought or the feeling that a vengeful snow blower is stalking you. One way to get in the good graces of all concerned: save all of your used personal paper products in the hopes that you can reassemble them into a tree. Travel may be in your future; pack early and often.

January 2012 Horoscope

Mayan God of Destruction and Heat

Venus and the moon will be making footsy in the western sky as this new year begins.  This is an auspicious sign, boding well for your health, happiness and success in the coming year.    There is every indication that your time to shine has come; even those who continue to harbor doubts will be dazzled by your accomplishments and charmed by your style, appearance and warmth.  Not everyone can do what you do.  Of course, some may point out that this is a very good thing.  And, it may be that they have good reason to think so.  But, those naysayers aside, even your convoluted attempts to solve nasty and recalcitrant programming problems will be hailed as heroic.  There may be many attempts by strangers to come very close to you, especially on the Green Line at rush hour.  You could well find yourself with a renewed interest in sports or ballroom dancing.  Your skills as a host might finally be recognized as nonpareil, if curious.  Some minor mathematical toss-off of yours may impact all of Western civilization and gain you praise and fame from every quarter.  With that in mind, it may be time to reconsider your career options and find a nice, warm place for a while, one that is out of the way and dark.  You may also find yourself surrounded by odd people singing “Ding Dong” at the top of their lungs.   If so, wave and smile; they have just heard good news.

December 2011 horoscope revision

A significant and totally unexpected deviation in the recent lunar eclipse has sent a shock wave through  your horoscope, moving Leo to the left of Scorpio for an unpredictable period.  At the same time, new stars in the Leominster, Leonia and Lyon  galaxies have inexplicably developed a torpid proclivity, despite Mar’s sudden appearance and loud Geminid noises.  This concatenation of adverse events may leave you in the lurch when it comes to recalling where your dark energy coagulator is stored and could lead to a failure to appreciate small towns in New Mexico.  Just to be on the safe side, see if your snow blower starts up and make sure you have a shovel handy.  And, much to your surprise you may find that the guests you have been expecting have already arrived and are looking for an unopened bottle of Kentucky Tavern or any other classy booze that you may have on hand.   But, in all this, there is good news.  A certain programming conundrum that has bedeviled you for weeks may be unexpectedly unscrambled for reasons that may make no sense whatsoever.  If that happens, be sure to have your tires rotated or visit a physician to complain that your “check engine” light should be on. There is always a chance that they are building an overwhelming case against you.  So, spend as much time as possible covering your tracks.

Decorated Dirigible Program –Rendering of Prototype #07, shown with all-weather rigging and anti-static grinders deployed for sideways motion (©mmgilbert 2011)

December 2011 Horoscope

Fenton’s Warble – Extremely rare. Spotted but once and only by Fenton, who reportedly drank shellac. Believed to be extinct, as is Fenton, but otherwise very nervous. (“Field Guide IV – The Feathered Ferns.” ©mmgilbert 2011)

By the time this month is over, you are going to be happy that there will be an entire new year in which to fix things. If Neptune were situated to the left of your Sagittarius house, things wouldn’t be so inauspicious. But, it is not and the twin stars of Biz and Dreft are south of Bisodol, never a good configuration.  And, unfortunately, it can only mean one thing: hopefully, the living room furniture has been satisfactorily rearranged. This should prevent ongoing cramps.  But, that’s not the bad part.  There is someone named “Fronkie” who, harboring fantasies of what might not have been, is interested in reviving what may be for you a long forgotten relationship.  Even now, there are those who may be making plans for you involving lingerie, a workbench in grievous need of cleaning, a high-powered snow blower or odd pictures of barnyard fowl.  Under such circumstances, what choice do you have?  Smoked fish as a personal scent is one.  Lobster rolls in Kittery is another.  And, clearing up certain mysteries of the space-time continuum in your local area is yet another.  Towards the middle of the month, you may be approached by a stranger looking for a jar of spaghetti sauce.  Do not be fooled.  This person only wants the oregano.

October 2011 Horoscope

This month will undoubtedly be a doozy.  There are various changes in the works for you and some may not seem beneficial.  As you may realize, Jupiter has snuck into Aquarius, never a propitious circumstance.  On the other hand, Dexadrine is to the left of Lotramin, and while the emanations this produces may seem of the roller-coaster variety, you should have no need to worry too much, although admittedly unforeseen calamities may be just around the corner.  Unlike others, you should be able to shrug off with aplomb any that may occur, if you have plans in mind and are preparing to act on them.  In any case, the real fun should not happen until the second or third week of the month.  With that in mind, greet everything you are told with the biggest and most innocent smile that you can muster and be fully prepared to muzzle any tendency toward bursting forth with shrieks of derision and incredulity or rolling on the floor in hysterics when confronted with enthusiastically delivered persiflage.  Rather, consider such to be a form of rarified entertainment.  This may be an excellent time to visit distant friends, to show others that you can play the fiddle with the best of them while simultaneously producing some of the most amazing grins imaginable, or to ride on your favorite trolley line (but avoid getting off at Kenmore Square until next year).  For extra protection, wear a Tilley hat while outside and favor bows.

September 2011 Horoscope revision

As this month progresses, things are likely to get better and better.  There have been, however, a few unexpected intergalactic events that may work to blur your prospects during the last week of the month, especially on Tuesday.  The problem may have to do with something that you are writing that never seems to end, despite your best efforts to lose it, pretend that it doesn’t exist or change the subject.  But, never fear, the task will be accomplished, although with much chortling.  Then, you may dream that you are the subject of one of those new video games, except that it may not be a dream.  It could involve being chased by a crowd of incensed members of the opposite gender, wielding brooms and screaming about things that you have said, that you have not said and what you would have or should have done if you had not done what you did.  Deal with these by explaining that whatever else you might have done, your selection of headgear can never be questioned and that only you know the secret that makes this possible.  At the same time, the prospect of fish could loom large.  If you pay too much attention to this possibility, you may lose sight of the larger issue: there can be surprising success if you persevere in doing what you like.

September 2011 Horoscope

This promises to be a month of surprises, some that we can foresee and some that we cannot, if the stars are any guide.  The reason is that there are mixed signals from the outer reaches of the universe and too many varieties of bran flakes are at play, leaving all of us with a sense of impending fluidity, especially after a few hours on a horse.  Some of these surprises may be quite sensational and should produce wild cheering and dancing in the streets.  Others will be the kind that were expected anyway and are only pretty good.  And, still others will have the same effect as a shot of hot sauce in the wrong place.  But, the good news is that none of them, even the latter, will do damage to this month’s underlying trend of increasing joy and fulfillment, even if pepperoni may be a little too much with red pepper flakes.  Of course, everything would be so much better if we all had that special something, that twinkle in the eye and joi-de-vivre that may lead to full-fledged naughtiness and wild abandon.  But, even that may be possible with more fish in the diet.  So, plan on some real accomplishments, a very different and better outlook and, of course, one or two serious but not insurmountable headaches.  And, so, to all who may raise doubts, simply say, “Cocktails are now served on the transom.”

August 2011 Horoscope Revisions

The full moon has had a salutary effect on this month’s horoscope, cancelling out and even overwhelming the unpleasantness that might have been wrought by the Persids meteor shower.  The only problematic eventuality may be lingering bursts that could have a deleterious impact as the Moon’s brightness begins to subside and a few outside flashes work their untoward influence.  Then, of course, there is the prospect of an appearance of Vigaro, a wandering planet that has been stalking Earth for the past few weeks.  If it were to appear, your facility with French should become very pronounced and there could be a lot of explaining for you to do, especially after the New Hampshire interlude has ended, given   the mess in the kitchen, to say nothing of the growing pile in the hall.  Still, future prospects look bright if clouded by uncertainty in the near-term while your office mates are considering Chinese food alternatives of the most distressing sort.  Do not let these cosmic considerations get you down as you are about to embark on a period of intense creativity and the prospects for great reward and freedom have never been greater, even though there could be too much salt in your diet and your fears of spinach and other similar vegetables will grow by the minute, especially when confronted with brussels sprouts of a most vociferous variety after the 25th.

August 2011

As you have almost certainly gathered – or soon will – this month starts off with a bang, leaving you flabbergasted, flummoxed, flapping, flipping and feeling frankly finagled. That’s almost certainly due to the sudden appearance of a baleful light in the eastern sky and the sudden prominence of Nyquil, the newly discovered moon of Pluto and its apparently shiny, smooth metallic skin, somehow reminiscent of an alien spaceship. The installation of high impact Venetian blinds, capable of withstanding ray gun blasts or mind control messages would not be out of order. On a more mundane latitude, there may be some exciting and entertaining developments on the career front. These could involve virtual oral surgery, sweeping up and making moisture. You will also enjoy some fish. Towards the end of the month, you may find a large amount of fresh fruit in the wrong place, requiring that you engage in some very fancy footwork as you quickly find a quiet place to change.  Other developments that may come along to provide a thrill or two might include an extremely large sandwich.  By the end of the month, all the loud noises will end as a new and brighter vista makes itself apparent and the possibility of true happiness emerges.  It seems that there is nothing wrong with having some fun when you can.  It would be even better if you had a birthday this month, especially if it were at the beginning of the month, like, maybe, the first day..

December 2009 Horoscope